What do you write about when you feel there is nothing more to write about? Nothing at all. You just write and hope for the best. Well, today is one of those days where I need to write to loosen my mind and free myself from the mundane. I’m not here to write for everyone else to read, and to make others happy by reading words on a page, I’m writing for my own sanity, to temporarily free myself from the prison that is my mind. So bear with me, and just let me do my thing.
The human heart is a very complicated organ, it is our life, without it we’re dead. So what happens when it feels as though it is broken and shattered into a million pieces? You pick those pieces up and do your best to put it back together. At 31 years old, I’m pretty sure my heart looks like one of those yard décor gazing balls that was dropped in the middle of the street and someone glued that back together…not very pretty but it gets the job done for the most part. I’ve been beat down and bruised, twisted and broken, I’ve been through the ringer. I’ve been in relationships, broken up with, cheated on, let the love of my life slip through my fingers and marry another man, broken others hearts; hell, I’ve been married and divorced, and what does this say for me? Most people would give up and deny having love for anything in their hearts at this point, yet here I am, holding on to emotions that aren’t really there. I try my best, I let thoughts kind of run wild with no real focus on much other than to live.
Today, is that day. Today, I choose to live. I choose to do the things I enjoy doing, the things that make ME happy, and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. If I want a beer at 9:00 in the morning because I’m off work and it’s nice out, and I just want it, then I will have one. This summer is MY summer….and the little man’s. I bought a brand new tent this year, and if the weather holds out, we will be camping in our backyard this weekend for his first time and our tent’s first time. We will be outside as often as we can, I will enjoy this year. I am not living for you, I am not living for my ex-wife, I am not living for my brother, my parents, my friends, I am doing it for myself. I have to find myself, find my peace and be the man I know I am on the inside, and if not just for myself but to show my son that life is precious and what you choose to make it. I will wake up with a smile every day because I am alive.
There comes a time in everyone’s life where you have to make a choice. All too often we make that choice complicated by calculating every aspect of how that choice can affect us. Why not make some blind choices, live for the moment and make it what it is. We are dealt a hand in life, and just like in Poker we can throw some cards back in and draw another. They say life is a game, so why not play it? Instead of just dealing with what we have, make it what you want it to be. If you hate your job, get a new one. If you and your significant other argue all the time and you honestly cannot stand them, leave them and move on, that’s your call. You do not have to be stuck in a situation because society deems it the “right” thing to do. What is right and wrong anyway aside from the views someone else bestows upon you? You are the one in charge of your life, you decide what is right and wrong for you. Do NOT let a television or a magazine tell you that you are fat or ugly, what do you feel? Do you feel like you are hideous and should wear a paper bag in public? That’s your call, find the beauty in yourself and harness it.
You just have to take the good with the bad. It’s taking me my whole life to get to this point where I am what I am, take it for what it is, and I’m still not completely comfortable with it. When you get to the point in your life where I’m at, being a single dad and having the world look you in the face and tell you that you aren’t worth it sometimes, you fight back and prove it wrong. You are the only person that knows your own worth, and only you can show that to the world. I’m not comfortable in my own skin most the time, but I make due and try my best to be. Am I the best at it? Absolutely not. Am I still depressed a lot of times? Absolutely. But I deal with it. I grit my teeth and push forward, I make myself be happy…granted I have help from a little three year old that grins at me and makes me laugh. Truth of the matter is, I do what I can to make myself be me, but this summer I am putting more focus into fixing me, healing and finding myself again. It’s a relief to be able to say that and know that I am fully capable of taking the necessary time to make it happen. Thanks for reading, and as always, what’s your adventure?