It’s been over a month since my last blog, and today I just feel like writing, let’s see where it leads shall we? I’m sitting here in the air conditioning on my couch, the new episodes of Voltron playing on Netflix, and my toddler monster is body slamming a huge stuffed elephant on the mattress on the floor, or diving off the couch onto it. It’s our normal Sunday. On the weekends I bring a queen sized futon mattress into the living room so he and I can lay on the floor and watch shows until we fall asleep. We both sleep better that way. Somehow we discovered a cartoon based King Kong, which of course Tuck fell in love with and we have now watched Season 1 about 17 times, and I had to get him into something else, that’s when we found Voltron a few days ago, and he loves it now. Good thing too, because Daddy used to watch the old Voltron when he was a kid. Haha. I’m not going to bore you with what has become our everyday Sunday, as it’s pretty mundane and not typically exciting. I may ramble, but I will get on track and give you something of substance today, so bear with me.
I sit here today and wonder how my life got to this point, and I cannot come with an answer, I’ve been contemplating that answer for the past few weeks. More so last night than anything. Tucker fell asleep early last night in the middle of a movie, and instead of going to bed with him I started watching my shows. In the midst of all of this, my mind was just working a mile a minute, more so than normal. In an attempt not to disturb his peaceful slumber, I got up and went outside to enjoy the summer air and night sky, smoke my very last cigarette, and think. As I leaned up against my truck and lit up, I could not help but stare into the sky and search the stars for some kind of answer, some kind of sign. I may not have explained in any previous blog, but I am extremely far from being religious, not even close to it. I am, however; spiritual. I believe there is a higher power out there, something that guides us on our journey, just not sure what I believe that is. At one time, I looked toward Buddhism, the Tao, Greek gods, Roman gods, everything. I have looked into most religions as some sort of guidance, and in the midst of all of this I have come to believe a little of everything, with no true religion. If I were to claim anything, I lean more toward the Tao than anything, as it coincides with my life more than anything and helps me relax and cleanse my mind…most nights.
But not last night. I stood there, in a relatively relaxed state of mind, and was so far from being relaxed it was not even funny. How did I become a single father, raising my son the best I can and guiding my “step” daughter in the right direction when she is here, which is not very often right now. She spends a week at her real dads, then the next week is split between her mom and I, but on her days with me she typically stays at a friends house, so time is limited with her lately. Single father, raising a toddler goofball, trying to hold my own onto this thing we call life, paying bills, keeping up on a home, ADULT LIFE. Where did my life go? Last week I was 22 years old at the bar drinking the night away with my buddies, taking home whichever girl seemed fit for the night, and not caring about life in general. Now I work, come home and hang out with the kids, do housework (inside and out), relax on the couch after they go to bed for a little, and then go to bed myself. I was married at one time, and that obviously did not work out. I’m at this place, this stalemate. I continue to fall apart, and sometimes I just feel like I cannot stop. It feels like this life is just taking over who I am and is just controlling my every move, no matter how much I try to push back and fight it. I just feel like there is no way to win right now, but there is, I just need to find it.
Holding my little man and cuddling this morning, I realized how alone I really felt. I am far from alone, as he occupies so much of my time, but I am lonely. It’s harder to wrap my thoughts around that than anything. I spent much of my young adulthood completely alone, avoided relationships, but not relations. Fast-forward to today, 30 years old, and I want some type of relationship. Just someone else to waste my time with. If I could take it all back, I would not change much, but I definitely would not have lead the same life. I forced myself into this callused shell of a person that writes to you today, and I am trying to break it. I can write this, and tell you who I really am on the inside, but I cannot open up and show you in person. I have been called almost everything under the sun, and considered myself most of those things; anywhere from douche bag, asshole, “fuck-boy”, man-whore, you name it I’ve been called it. And at some point in my life or another, I have been those things. At what point do you try to turn your life around and get yourself away from those titles? Truth is, I don’t know, but I know I held the reigning title of most of those for so long that they became a part of me and placed a lasting image on my name. I always laughed when people called me those names, and typically agreed to most of them.
There was never a reason to hide the truth. Yet, here I am today, and I know that at worst I may still be an asshole on some days. Even though I really am not, just the callused shell left over from being an asshole for so long that I hide behind my mask. I have tried to show my true colors and be myself, and it never turns out positive. So what do I do in those instances? I become a recluse, I stay at home with my little man and avoid most contact with the outside world. More or less to protect myself. I feel I am ready to get back into the dating scene, just have no idea how to go about doing it. I know what I want in this life, in a relationship, just know that it is not an easy task finding someone that I want and deserve, more so someone that my children deserve. In the meantime, I choose to stay single with an empty place in my heart, but complacent with life and happy that I have the love of my children.
Hell, as I said before, I owe Tuck more than he will ever know, he changed my entire life and essentially saved me from a path that was long and dark. I look back on my life and realize that a lot of things I did were no the smartest, and definitely not the safest or healthiest, but I have left that life behind. As I said earlier, last night I smoked my last cigarette, I’m done. Don’t get me wrong, I loved smoking, but I did not love how I felt when I woke up in the mornings or how it was going to effect me in the long run, and it just isn’t fair to Tuck to have a dad that did that. I do not drink even close to how I used to, once in a blue moon I drink more than my fair share, socially only for holidays or get-togethers, but I still keep my shit together and my mind intact. I just live a different life than I used to, and people that used to know me don’t understand that. My life is completely different than it used to be, and I’m living with a purpose now, to continue to be better than I was the previous day, to become someone that my son will truly look up to and be proud of. I’m a fragment of who I used to be, but that fragment is a better version of who I am. My goal in life is to build upon that fragment and make it a whole version of a better me. As always, this is just my adventure, make your own.