Today is just one of those days… I honestly do not know where to begin. I feel the need to write today because it helps me clear my head. There is nothing special about today, I just feel that something is weighing on me, even though I am not sure what it is. Today, I write to you, from the depths of my soul (or bones rather).
I woke up this morning extremely sore and exhausted, with a pounding headache. Why? Hell, I have no idea. The way I slept, the amount of sleep I had (or did not have), the weight of the world, stress, something. I just know that today I am not feeling it at all. These are the days that weigh on me the most, because I chalk it up as a loss, as something to do with emotions. I realize, on days like today, that I am only human, and sometimes that is just upsetting. I’m sure Captain America does not wake up in the morning thinking “Man, my bones hurt because I am getting old,” because he is kind of a super soldier and is aging very well.
The aches and pains that I’m sure are associated with growing age, lack of care for the body, and physical abuse I put myself through in my younger years with sports and stupidity. But why dwell on it? I enjoyed the years where I had fun with sports, and the debauchery of my early bachelor years, but I am definitely feeling all of that now. Yet, I look at days like today as though I am an old man, broken, and weak, honestly; it depresses me. I start thinking about things because it keeps my mind occupied from the muscle twitches and aches, and I end up on the downward spiral towards darkness, and I get stuck there, I face the quicksand again, and it’s damn near impossible to avoid it. I blame it on lack of caffeine, or sleep, or stress factors in my life. However, I am not actually depressed.
So here’s the kicker, the upside to all of it. I may have issues going on, but why should I focus on the negative of those things and let it continue to drag me down with it? Yes, my body hurts like hell from torn muscles and fractured bones, but playing football was the highlight of high school for me. I loved running, I could escape from reality when I ran, and overall it is what brought me back down to reality. I drank a lot in my early twenties and enjoyed myself way too much, but I met a lot of really great people. I learned who I really was, made some bad decisions here and there, but overall I found out who I really am and the man I wanted to become.
The truth is, I’m not an old man, I’m technically in my prime. Age-wise. Now, physically, definitely not. The only excuse I have for not being where I should be physically, emotionally, and financially is me. I get in my own way and stop myself from overcoming my obstacles. The focus is there to improve my physically health and get back in shape, but the drive to do it is not there. I have complete lost my drive to push myself to my limits and improve myself, but I know I want to. Instead of putting my focus on the drive, I put all of my focus into things such as improving my home, or building things, or just relaxing. Which, in turn, are all good things, I just need to split my focus in more ways. During the time where the kids are awake, my time is completely devoted to them, because they are what truly matters and it makes me happy, and happiness is what improves your overall well-being.
I use the excuse “there’s not enough time to get everything I want done”, well there really is, in all honesty. There are 24 hours in a day, always has been. Look at Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, Nikola Tesla; they all had 24 hours in a day and look what they accomplished. It’s not that they had extra time in their days, they just made better use of their time, they were driven toward a larger goal. I say my drive is gone, but it is not. It just needs a kick in the ass and forced back in gear, just look at it as I’m stuck in Neutral, not Reverse and not Drive. I am just kind of letting things happen instead of taking complete control and doing what needs to be done.
With that in perspective, I’m not an old man. I’m a mere 30 years old, I have accomplished a lot, but not as much as I would have liked to. Hell, Harrison Ford was 31 when he starred in American Graffiti, 35 when he took on his iconic role as Han Solo; all the while he was doing carpentry work as his main job and considered “the carpenter to the stars”. I technically have five years to find my break out role in life to be on pace with Mr. Ford, so I can’t be doing that bad.
Truth be told, it’s not just me, it’s everyone. We could all probably use a little tightening up on our focuses in life, return ourselves to the basics and get in touch with who we are. Focus on you, focus on your life, focus on what you want. So you want to be a better parent? Start with actually being a part of your child’s life, love them, and care for them. You want to be a better person overall? Quit being an asshole then, treat people with respect, and open your heart to people. Whatever it is you want in your life, whatever your goal may be, take a step back and see what is getting in your way. Chances are, it’s you. You are the main reason you are not accomplishing your goals, because YOU are either too scared of failure, too blind to see what needs done, or you just lack the overall confidence, faith, or desire to accomplish it. If you step back and don’t see anything in your way, yet you cannot accomplish your goal, try setting a new goal. You are more than likely too blind to realize that you are that one that is keeping you from making your dreams come true, and probably don’t deserve whatever your goal may be any way.
I am not here to beat anyone up, or tell you how to live your life, not by any means. My life is nowhere near perfect, nor on the correct path toward it, but I know where my faults are. I know I get in my own way, all too often, in all aspects of life. I know what I do wrong, I am just too stubborn to fix things most the time, and in some cases I actually don’t know how to fix it, and then I’m too stubborn to ask for help. Change is inevitable, it’s bound to happen, and it will. Are you going to stand there like a giant rock and try to keep change from happening? Or are you going to be smart about it and be the water? Take the fluidity to shape your life into what you want it to be. A rock will hold it’s ground, never moving, never faltering; some cases getting in it’s own way from making it to it’s destination. Have you ever seen a large rock fall and be stuck between something, never making it to the ground? Then you have water, it will take shape and overcome all odds to get where it needs to go. Over time, water will break down rocks, metals, wood, earth; it will shape the grounds around it to make it to it’s goal. Do you think that streams and creeks were always there? Or did the water form them to make a passage for itself to become what it wanted to be, to get where it wanted to go?
Only you can make yourself what you want to be, sure, sometimes you may need help or a little push. You’re never too young, and you’re never too old to take control of your own life. The only thing stopping you from controlling your own life is the lack of fortitude to accomplishing the task. You have the power in yourself to be whatever you choose to be. Just ask yourself, rock or water? What do you choose?