This weekend I realized some things that I did not even know were true, until they hit me that is.  Saturday morning Tucker and I got up early to go yard sale-ing with my parents, and then him and I kind of just bounced around later and did random things.   We ended up going to visit Tuck’s mother at her work because she was not able to make it over the two days prior and missed him, so that was fun.  Then Sunday rolled around, Tuck and I were up at the crack of dawn like usual, made an early morning run to Walmart to buy some new bed sheets for him and a couple of new toys, and then home to hang out and watch cartoons, and I cut the grass while he napped.  A little later, Tuck’s mom came and picked him up, and he left with her for a few hours, giving me all the time in the world clean up the house finally, and do things I needed to do, the much needed alone time.  This is where I realized my “truths”, if you will.

What are these said truths?  Well, I’ll tell ya.  I’m happy.  Yes, I know I said in a previous blog that I was lonely, and I am, but that does not mean that I’m not happy.  Because I am happy, and very happy at that.  I enjoy my little alone time I do get, and I had no one to answer to during that time, I did not have to go visit anyone, I was on Shane-time.  Which was amazing.  I don’t get a lot of time to myself, as I have stated over and over, because it’s true, and I honestly don’t mind it at all.  But I got that alone time yesterday, for about three to four hours, more than I am used to.  I finished mowing the lawn, I redid the living room and changed out curtains, changed the blinds, changed the window décor on the dining room window, swept and mopped the floors, cleaned both bathrooms damn near spotless, and did a couple loads of laundry.  That’s where these truths come into play.  Even my free-time, my “alone” time, still is not me time.  It’s home time.  It’s deep-cleaning, organizing, straightening, preparing for a long week time.  And I honestly enjoy it.

What I have come to realize is that I don’t need someone else in my life, not for any particular reason.  I’d love to have someone that I can just talk to here and there, cuddle with at the end of the night to a good movie or show, and forget about the problems of the day, sure.  But I don’t need someone.  I’m a single dad of two amazing kids, the only thing I am missing is my cape.  I am raising the shit out of those kids, and make it a top priority that they smile daily.   Why else would I need someone else in my life to take those smiles away?  Those are my smiles and hugs, back off.  If I were to bring someone else into my life, my hugs would get cut down into half.  That’s just not cool.

I cook, I clean, I do dishes and laundry, I do the grocery shopping, I change diapers,  I give baths, I do the jobs of a mother and a father.  And I am doing damn good at it if you ask me.  You didn’t, so I told you anyway, get over it.  I am actually enjoying raising two kids alone, and doing all of the chores, and being the head of the household, and prioritizing my day.  I may seem boring to the average single person when they look at my Friday and Saturday nights and wonder why I am in bed at 10/11:00 PM.  I’m in bed because I am exhausted.  I was up by 6AM changing a diaper and feeding a toddler, taking a giant clumsy puppy outside to potty and eat, I was starting my day.  My long, chore filled, stress filled, laughter filled day.  The bags I have under my eyes?  Those are not from burning the candle at both ends and partying until 4:00 in the morning.  Those bags are from being up at the crack of dawn and having to be at the top of my game before even realizing I have to.  Between 6AM and 7AM, Monday-Friday, I am taking care of a two year old and making sure he is set, getting an eleven year old out of bed and ready for school, taking a dog outside to eat and everything he does, all while picking up whatever toys and junk are left over from the day before, and getting ready for work.  I pack in what normally would take someone a few hours to do in the morning into a hour or less.  Because that’s what I do.  That’s what my life consists of five days a week.  The other two days?  They are the same other than letting the eleven year old sleep in and the not having  to get ready for work.  We’re still up at the same time getting ready.

What does all of this mean though?  It means I am handling it.  It gets thrown at me, I catch it, and handle business.  I’m no stranger to the stress and aggravation anymore.  I do all of this, and keep a calm and cool composure…for the most part.  Some days get tough and I stress out over something silly like paying mortgage, but hey, life happens.  This all means that whatever life is going to throw at me, I know I’ll make it through, because I’m already a superhero.  I have to be.  I have two young hearts and minds looking up to me everyday, watching what I do, listening to what I say, learning from me.  From me.  Let that sink in, me.  The guy who wore a blanket as a cape, toe socks on his hands for gloves, and a beer box on his head while running around an apartment screaming he was “Captain Busch Light”.  That guy.  It’s been an extremely long, bumpy, winding road, but I’m here.  I made it to the promised land.  I may have a lot on my plate, but it’s all worth it in the end.  The kids know who their dad is, they know I am going to always be there.  My daughter knows how a man should treat a woman, she knows she deserves love and respect.  And Tuck, well, be it that he is only two, he will eventually see what kind of man to grow into…until then he’s just going to be a little fighter and not take crap off anyone.

I guess what I am trying to say with this blog is that my life is finally coming together.  I thought I had the perfect life before when I was married to my wife, but I was wrong.  No offense to my ex, as always, cause she is pretty amazing in her own right.  It’s just that my life is perfect right now.  Of course it has it’s tiny little flaws here and there, but even the most perfect diamond has flaws, just maybe not visible to the naked eye.  I love the life I live.  Sure, it’s not the supreme bachelor life, I’m not George Clooney, I’m not out partying, but I’m also not a bachelor.  I’m a dad.  I’m a single dad, and that is so much cooler than being a bachelor, and so much more fun.  I thought life was exciting and edgy as a bachelor, but what’s more exciting is seeing my kids grow up, and laugh, and experience things for the first time.  It’s much more fulfilling to see my kids minds expand and grow each and every day.  As Tuck told me last night while dancing, “I can’t stop”, well he’s right.  I can’t stop loving my kids and enjoying their company more than being around anyone else.

What it comes down to is this, if you are not enjoying your life, YOU are the one that is responsible.  Only you can prevent forest fires.  Wait.  Is that right?  No, only you can tell yourself how to live.  Do not let someone else control you, do not let someone else bring you down.  They always say “don’t judge someone unless you have walked a mile in their shoes”.  How about you stop letting people take your shoes?  Step out of your norm, look back at your life, what is stopping you from living life they way YOU want to?  Who is keeping  you from being happy?  Life is too damn short not to be happy, fix it.  You are solely responsible for your own happiness, embrace it.  You have a light inside you begging to be released, open up and let it happen.  Make your own happy ending, let everything come together.