It’s been wearing on me, and I have not used my blog as the way I had intended in the beginning, as a means to retcon my thoughts and feelings. Today it hit me hard, as a matter of fact, it has been this way for a few weeks and today I am just now venting it. I’m lonely. Lonely as I can be. I read an article today that states: “Being alone is not the same as being lonely. Being alone is a state of being by oneself without others around…….being lonely can be viewed as a signal indicating that some important social connections are at risk or even absent.” It hit home.
I have friends, a lot of them, but do I confide in any of them? No, no I do not. And in all honesty, no stab at my friends, even my closest friends; but we’ve all grown apart. I’m pretty sure every one of them is in a committed relationship, I am the only single one…and the only one that has a child. It causes a lot of differences between all of us. While they are out on the weekends eating dinner, seeing a movie, going to a bar or club or concert, I’m at home watching Trolls for the seventh time this week. Could I get a sitter and go out? Sure, I could. My father lives with me, and he is always more than willing to stay with my son so I can go out, but do I? Nope. Do I have reasons? Yes. I feel disconnected from all of them, I do not like being the third wheel…in fact, in most cases I refuse to be. My son is not my father’s responsibility, he’s mine. While being perfectly honest, I prefer to be with my kiddo more often than not anyway. Is it putting a damper on me moving on and dating someone, or strengthening relationships I have with those already in my life? Yes, a little, but I would not change it for the world.
I love all of my friends, they are all great in their own ways, but they just do not understand my life anymore. I have changed so much in the last four years; I am not comfortable in my own skin, I am depressed like majorly, I do not enjoy the same things I used to, I have grown so apart and so distant from the real world that I don’t even know how to react in social environments anymore, I resort to child -like behavior a lot of times to find some sense of comfort in situations I am put into. My world is completely different from theirs, and a lot of it is my fault.
Dictionary.com defines loneliness (lonely) as “affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone.” I know that feeling all too well. I have grown so much in the last several years, that I have become introverted, backward, and complacent with my life. Instead of branching out and trying to make new connections and improve my life, I prefer to stay at home and keep to myself. I immerse myself in my projects at home to keep from negative thoughts as much as possible, I build things, I tear things down, I remodel parts of my home, I play games with my kids, I stay home.
I see everyone else progressing with their lives; getting married, getting engaged, getting into a relationship, making new friends and connections, and I am happy for all of them. Genuinely. But it’s hard. It gives me a feeling of regret. I feel as though I did not do my part in being a friend and being there for them when they needed me the most because I tucked my head in the sand and hid from life. In truth, I’ve let the last three years of my life escape me. I have found every reason to not get into a relationship, every reason to give up on society, every reason to become a bitter shell of the man I used to be. My early 20’s people would have described me as outgoing and a positive person, that’s not the case anymore. I’m cold and bitter, I lack in so many areas of my life from what I used to be. I’m a negative person now, I do not enjoy a lot of things, when I smile it’s usually fake; I just feel broken.
Do I have reasons for being this way? Absolutely. Should I have been over all of these reasons by now? Absolutely. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people that holds onto things a lot, I have never really learned to let go. Small arguments, words people have said to me, things people have done; I remember a lot, if not most of it. What do I do about it? I keep it all bottled up inside, I hide from it, and I hope I just move on past it. Why? Because I try not to lash out at people or say things that may start an argument or fight; I just do not like drama, let-downs, or rejection. Basically, I have forced myself into a mostly drama-free life at the risk of having any kind of a personal life. Because I long so much to be accepted by my peers and loved by people, I have turned myself into somebody that I honestly do not even recognize in the mirror anymore.
I have so much built up anger and sadness inside of me, that I lash out irrationally at people that do not deserve it; I have no one to vent it to anymore. I have made it that way. I turned myself into what I am today. So you may be asking yourself why am I even writing this if I turned my back on society, why are you even bothering writing to an audience that you don’t even care about? It’s a cry for help, in short. I want to find myself again. I needed to write this, I needed to get my thoughts out in written form to realize how much I have truly lost myself. What do I need from you? Not a thing. If I truly mean something to you, by all means, say it. Say what’s on your mind. Let me know how I have impacted your life in some way or another, share good times we have together. Even if you don’t, writing this has helped me. It has made me realize where exactly the problem is, what the root cause of my loneliness is, it has been right there in front of my eyes the entire time and I was too blind to see. It’s always been me.